(This humor blog is not prejudiced against old age. At 66 years of age, some would say that I’m just a few houses down the block from death’s door myself. I don’t have many years left to make old age jokes. So get over yourselves.)
Matilda is 102, and she has finally accepted the idea that computers are not just a fad like hula-hoops. Seventy-five-year-old Gertrude had finally convinced her friend Matilda to start using a computer (during her regular volunteer work at the nursing home) by showing her cute kitten videos on YouTube. Two days later, Gertrude’s phone rang.
Gertrude: Hi, Matilda. What’s up?
Matilda: I don’t want to use YouTube any more. It’s dangerous!!! It used kitten videos to trick me into watching a Bernie Sanders video!!! I was just letting them play, and suddenly, there was a video—of this… Communist!!!
Gertrude: Remember how I showed you all of those videos down the right side. Remember? And remember how I showed you how to click just the videos you want.
Matilda: I thought it was a commercial. I didn’t know he was going to go on and on and on for an hour and a half! Then I had to go to physical therapy! A-ack!
Gertrude: Like I said, if you don’t want something, you just click something else. So you didn’t like Bernie?
Matilda: He’s a communist—and he’s way too young. People are treating him like he’s old and wise.
Gertrude: He’s exactly my age.
Matilda: Precisely. And that is why I don’t trust you. And also, because you didn’t warn me about Google. That’s worse than YouTube.
Gertrude: What happened?
Matilda: I got bored with kitten videos. I thought I’d just look at some pictures. So I Googled “pussy pictures.” Horrible! Horrible!
Gertrude: Well… I guess you should call me before you try something new.
Matilda: You realize that at my age, that excludes nothing.
Gertrude: Okay, I’ll come over tonight and help you find some things that you will enjoy on the internet. In the meantime, whatever you do, don’t Google “dick pictures.”
Matilda: Oh, I did that already. And I think you’re just prejudiced against us older people.
Gertrude: That’s probably the rudest thing you’ve ever said to me. I mean, I’m no spring chicken. How am I prejudiced against US older people?
Matilda: Or maybe you said it because you think I’m just a tough old bird. I thought you were my friend.
Gertrude: No, I’m just saying that I’m so old that I no longer have to diet each spring to fit my bikini.
If I diet, it’s so that I can fit my pajamas.
Matilda: Well, here at the home, they make me diet without offering me a bikini. I have no incentive at all.
Gertrude: They want to keep you healthy.
Matilda: At my age, if I want to die from chocolate poisoning, I should be allowed.
Gertrude: Hm-mm-m. Fair enough. I guess you don’t get much freedom.
Matilda: This home is a gulag. I don’t want to die in chains. I want to see the world!
Freedom!
Freedom!!!
Freedom!!!!!
Gertrude: Hey, maybe I should break you out of there and we should go on a road trip together. I’ll buy you all of the chocolate you want. We can go anywhere you want.
Matilda: Yeah! Break me out of here! I want sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll! I want to go to Fort Lauderdale! It’ll be my final spring break!
Gertrude: Well… Maybe not your final one. Who knows about next year. You’re still pretty strong. But Fort Lauderdale? Is this, like, a memory of when you were younger?
Matilda: No. It’s a plan.
Gertrude: Okay. So I guess this is your bucket list?
Matilda: Honey, my bucket has a huge hole in it, and it rusts more every day. Like I said, this is a plan!
Gertrude: Well, okay. So what do you want to do in Fort Lauderdale? I guess we could see the alligators in the Everglades. Or… maybe go out on a sail boat?
Matilda: No, I want to party all night! Camp out on the beach! Sit beside a bonfire eating chocolate! Flirt with drunk teenagers! Anything that doesn’t involve nurses!
Gertrude: Really? You want to eat chocolate beside a bonfire on the beach and get drunk with the kids. I don’t know if that’s safe.
Matilda: Yeah… sitting beside a bonfire on the beach. Yeah… All warm and comfy in the sand… The scent of salt air… and wood smoke… and beer… The heat from the fire on my skin…, my face…, my naked body… That’s the way I want it!
It is, in fact, the only way I want to feel the berne—as they said in that other video.
Gertrude: (Sigh.) I think you’re right.
Kitten videos on YouTube are dangerous.
For other humorous writing, click Moderately Short Humor and Jokes. Okay, okay. There’s not a lot of it yet. Follow this blog, and there will be more.
Also, be sure to also read Cougar’s longer, more serious humor:
(Blog with Jokes) Use the Applause Technique to Change Habits & Increase Self-Esteem. (The first in a series on managing your life through creating effective habits.)
(Blog with Jokes) What’s So Special about the Heart Chakra?
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